Darling Daughter,
Today, you turn from my baby girl into a young woman… and I
am in equal measure excited and petrified. As you step into adulthood, you enter
a world of responsibilities; even though I don’t want to scare you but I can’t
stop myself from sharing my thoughts with you… my experiences as a woman, as a
wife, and as a mother.
This society, people around you, the world we live in, all
of them would try very hard to fit you into certain moulds. They would tell you
how to talk and what to say, how to think and even what to think, how you
should look and how you are expected to behave. Just ignore them and their
unsolicited advice. Resist the urge to please everyone and try to create a
space that is your own, that reflects you and your sensibilities.
Whether you choose to break the stereotypes or decide to
live them, always remember the most important thing is choice, your choice. You
have been blessed with a strong and beautiful mind, never hesitate to use it.
As a parent and as woman, I can’t stress enough the
importance of being independent. Naturally, I want you to be financially
independent but emotional and mental independence is as important. For me, independence
doesn’t only mean the freedom to spend as much as you like. It means the
freedom of thought, freedom of choice, freedom of speech, freedom to have an
opinion… and the right to exercise them. I want you to be able to think for
yourself, to have a say, to make your own decisions and to have opinions.
Always remember your career, although important, is only a
part of your life, just like love is. Do not make it your whole life. Your life
is much more than your bank balance; your happiness is more than the designation
on your business card. To find out who you truly are, I would suggest, once in
a while, look at yourself and see how would you want to define yourself, devoid
of your career and the many roles you would eventually play… and if you don’t like
that definition, work on yourself to change it. Explore. Laugh. Love. Eat. Dance.
Listen. Speak. Think. Feel. Live to the fullest my darling.
As is natural, sometimes you would be exhausted with all the
responsibilities adult life brings and you would feel like letting someone else,
your partner perhaps, take charge of your life; someone else drive for a while as
it might seem more comfortable… you won’t have to be constantly vigilant and instead
you could relax… Seems enticing, right? But, don’t forget, when you give
someone else the steering wheel of your life, the power to drive you around, who
knows where you would end up! When you give someone else the right to make your
decisions for you, you also give them the agency to control you and your life… which
in my humble opinion, is not such a good idea, don’t you think so?
There would come a time when you would be deified as a
goddess or expected to be a superwoman who juggles home life and work life
perfectly, someone who is always in control and whose life is in perfect
harmony. Don’t let these epithets go to your head and also don’t be daunted by the
expectations they entail. It is okay if you don’t live up to them. Don’t think less
of yourself. It is okay if you fail because you are human, you are allowed to
make mistakes, you are allowed to fail, you are allowed to ask for help.
Never be afraid to say ‘No’ when you mean it. Also, don’t be
afraid to say ’Yes’ when you mean it… because the ‘choice’ when to say what, is
always with you. I could not stress enough that you are the star of your life;
you are the sun of your galaxy… you are bright and powerful.
Life is very long and along the way, there would be times
when you would see people, your peers, your friends, doing better than you are…
at those time, resist the urge to compare yourself to them, the urge to look at
your life and feel dejected... just because you didn’t see their struggle, it doesn’t
mean they haven’t had any. You concentrate on what you are doing to the best of
your abilities.
Endeavor to be kind and compassionate to other people’s
feeling and their problems. When I say you should think about others, I do not
mean that you stop thinking about yourself… and believe me, it doesn’t make you
selfish. So, even though I want you to think about others and be empathetic, but
not at the cost of your own happiness.
Soon, there might come a time when you would fall in love,
hopelessly and unconditionally so. But, at that time I would want you to
remember your first love – that is self-love. I agree, the 'getting-to-know-you' part is thrilling and interesting and although, it is good to know the favorite color or favorite of your significant other, what is more important to know is that you want the same things in life at similiar times, today and later.
I have no doubt that someday you would have to choose between
what makes you happy and what would make your significant other happy… making a
decision at that time would be a tough one, right? But, that’s a test almost
every relationship has to face sooner or later. You might be tempted to keep
his (or her) happiness before your own. All I can say is think long and hard
before you do so. Again, it is not being selfish. Your happiness is as important
too. If you put your dreams and aspirations on the back burner because of love,
there might come a time when you would regret your decision and resent your
partner.
But, that doesn’t mean you only choose yourself and what
makes you happy because I, from experience, know that your decisions also impact
those who are closest to you. So, I can only tell you to talk to your partner...
and listen to what s/he has to say. A relationship is a partnership, and one of
you can’t make a decision to what would impact both of you. When you are in a
relationship, the saying – you should listen to everyone but do what you want
to do – doesn’t work. There are two people in a relationship and it is only
fair that the two of you decide on what works for both of you. So, one hand I
want you to never follow your partner blindly and put across your feelings, but
on the other hand I want you to be considerate to his feelings as well. Love is
an integral part of a relationship but so are communication, respect, freedom,
and trust.
When you would grow up a bit more and get married, you would
be told, like I was, to keep the husband’s needs before your own. People might
also tell you that as a woman, your place is only behind or besides your man. You
would be told that his career would always be more important than yours, his
dreams more significant than yours. You would be told that his success is yours
and later in life, your children’s success would be termed as yours. Even in
movies and TV shows, you would see that how it is a wife’s duty to make sure
that her husband is happy and comfortable. All around you, you would notice that
how a woman is expected to be a man’s strength and his support system… albeit a
silent one. What they show in such movies and in such shows, in advertisements
and in songs, is not true. Don’t believe them. All they attempt to do is to silence
your voice and restrict your thoughts. Don’t let them.
Do not settle to be a silent spectator in a marriage. There
is no point to a marriage if you can’t share your feelings and thoughts with
the person you are supposed to spend your life with. And if you feel lonely in
a relationship, share your concern with the partner, and if still, nothing changes…
it is time to move on. And believe me when I say, love doesn’t happen once and your
first love is certainly not your last.
In the name of being a good wife, a dutiful daughter-in-law,
or a selfless mother, you would be expected to take a backseat in your own life.
But, do not let your dreams be tied down by these labels because that’s what they
are, sweetheart, mere labels, unrealistic labels. You are and will always be much
more than just a wife, just a daughter-in-law, just a daughter, just a sister
and even just a mother. It is very common in our society to use these terms,
these labels to make women believe that only being a wife or a mother is enough
but I can tell you from my experience that it is not. These are merely roles
that you would play in one lifetime… Don’t let them define you.
Having said that, I know, in life, compromises are
inevitable and sometimes you would have to sacrifice for someone else, be it
friend, family, work life, your children… but the important thing to remember
is that the Keyword here is ‘sometimes’, do not make it a habit.
If ‘you choose’ to be a housewife or stay at home mother at some
point in your life, rest assured, people
and society would again tell you to keep the needs of the earning member in
front of your own. Do not listen to them. Even if you are not contributing in
the financial aspect, you are contributing socially and emotionally. I say
again a marriage is a partnership. You
are and would always be an important part of your family… irrespective of how
much money you bring in. So, your needs and wants are as important. Your opinion
matters as much. What you think carries as much weight as the one who is
bringing in the moolah. Do not let the lack of finances make you feel inferior.
But, I would again reiterate, always make sure you are financially stable…
save, save and then save some more.
You would notice that I haven’t mentioned anything about how
you should look? Well, because looks, they don’t matter. They are fleeting and whether
you are stick-thin or overweight, whether you are dusky or fair, it is your inner
beauty that concerns me more. As I said, people would tell you how you should
look, what’s in style, how you should dress, what makeup suits you… let them.
You wear what you want to wear. You be what you want to be.
Lastly, in your lifetime, if you ever feel trapped or
lonely; if you ever feel hopeless and the world doesn’t make sense… always
remember that I am here with an open mind and open arms… to always listen and never
judge. My darling, you would always, always have a home with me and I will
always support you and your decisions… no matter what.
Love you forever and always,
Mommy
