Thursday, March 26, 2009

Moving on...

People have actually started calling me love guru, after reading my posts… ironical to say the least as I have never been in a long committed relationship… but I have known people who have been… and I guess I emit some vibes that make people come and pour their hearts out to me (with no actual prodding from my side mind you.) So I have heard a lot of stories… personal experiences of my friends being in happy relationships (when everything goes according to plan but that is very seldom), being in on-again-off-again relationships (mostly indecisive couples who like to go through the same motions over and over again with sadly the same person), completely useless ones (this is the maximum number where there is no past, no present and no future), one-sided affairs (girl likes guy or vice-versa and surprisingly there are a lot of cases of this one as well) and then there are also flings (having fun… no strings attached kind of affairs). That’s all my knowledge base… people around me. Even if they don't, i certainly learn from their mistakes.

This time, I thought I would live up to my recently acquired pseudonym of love guru… make it relationship advisor (:P)… (speaking of which, I remember one of my close friends was also ready to design a website for me...don't know what happened to that. Admiral, u reading? :P)
and write something about the end of a relationship.

Recently, I spoke to one of my friends. He was in love with a girl. They broke up for various reasons (let us not get into that) and now it has been two years since they last spoke. He says that he has moved on but he just dedicated a song to her… perfect strangers. The intention presumably (if we take it in the literal sense) was to tell her that he has moved on and now they are just strangers...perfect strangers. (SIGH!) if life was so literal. But if you really have gotten over someone then do you need to tell the other person that you are not thinking about her anymore? And doesn’t sending her a sign that you are not thinking about her just defeats the whole purpose?

So, what is actually moving on? Is it when you stop thinking about her / him? When you don’t remember the date you stopped talking to her? Or when you don’t feel like talking to him… or when you don’t bother talking to her? When u just stop caring if the other person exists or not? When little normal everyday things don’t remind you of her? or is it all of the above?

I think you have truly moved on when u can talk about the other person with a detached frame of mind. When it doesn’t bother you if you will ever see her again or not... When you can look at their stuff without getting nostalgic… when you go to the places you went to with them and u don’t wish the other person to be there. It would be foolish to actually believe that you can erase the other person, who has been a constant in your life for n number of days, out of your consciousness and believe me the more you try to wipe the slate clean the more mess you create. I have seen people trying their level best to forget the time spent with the other half who is now not here and they just get more entangled in the web of memories. While trying to forget everything, they remember every minute detail so that they wont think about it again (seriously don’t understand the logic!) so I think you should just let it be… sooner or later, you will get over that someone special (who is not special anymore. Granted you would rather shoot her between the eyes…listening Popeye… but u will get over the urge. trust me. And yeah don’t act on any of these impulses even if you get them) But how long does it take for someone to move on? Days, months, years… lifetime. No one knows, I think it is different for different people. Some people move on in a blink of an eye, and some take several blinks. it doesnt depend on the level of intimacy you shared with that person (it does matter though) but most importantly it depends on your desire to move on.

To truly move on, you need to believe that you want to get out and getting there is the hardest part. Many people live in denial, believing that this is just a phase and the other guy would sooner or later realize that they still love you and everything would be rosy again. it is then that you need to remove those rose-tinted glasses and see the reality as it is.

Getting over a break-up is a five point process - DENIAL (when you can't believe that this is happening to you); REALIZATION (when the gravity of the situation finally hits you that the other person is not coming back); HUMILIATION / SELF BLAME (when the break up seems like your fault. this is a dangerous time when you would feel like calling the guy and begging him to take you back and that you would do anything to make it work); ANGER / HATE (when you blame the other person for everything wrong that has ever happened to you...ever) and finally
voila... you dont care anymore. so give yourself this time to go through all these five stages.


Sometimes, you wish there was some kind of a college that had special courses to make you get over that girl / guy. You complete the course and you have moved on. You are awarded some kind of a certificate that says something like… this is to certify that Mr. / Ms. So-and-so has finally forgotten Ms. / Mr. so-and-so and has truly and completely moved on. Now they are perfectly stable to enter another relationship.

People could frame it and hang it on their walls just like degrees. Some people would have multiple certificates too. (obsessive compulsive daters or breakers) So when u meet a guy / girl and you are not sure whether he is actually over his ex, u would just have to look at the wall!

But sadly this is not the norm. (not here, not anywhere)

4 comments:

  1. reading stuff like this makes me wish that i wake up dead tomorrow mornin....but then ..i am a "normal " person....i cant say that i would stop eatin my ice cream and look up if someone promises to show me my ex in a body bag ...i cant say that i really went over the technicalities of a crude car bomb...i cant say that i read KGB training manuals to follow her discreetly at 2 car lengths or in a sparsely crowded mall to find out who really is the guy she dumped me for ...i cant because i will be labelled as a psychopath and a stalker .....a ted bundy ...or norman bates ....and all because i had trouble moving on....i actually never looked beyond her ....never had a "back up"......so i had all the thoughts and trouble .....but hopefuly things look bright now and lesson was learnt the haRD WAY ....not too hard though.....i realised that the good thing about life is that it is never so bad that it cant go worse ....so to all those folks who have trouble moving on....please do as soon as possible ...life is rich and full.....as for me ....i will take a little time before i start enjoyin my ice cream......

    PS...megha....tell the guy who dedicated the song ...he is really a dumb emotional sucker...

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  2. megha if you dont stop with this romantc gibberish...i swear ill conclude that being unemployed has rendered you braindead.....come on whereis your humour gurl...u used to be funny....and possd a grt and sharp wit...use it:)

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  3. oh come on... dish... this is for some close friends. they need to read this. and as for unemployment rending me braindead... no chance, now its working overtime! and also u not here to use my great and sharp wit on... miss ya :)

    As for you Silab - I have already old him that he is a dumb emotional sucker... and he agrees

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  4. moving on is a state of mind more than anything else..and as you rightly pointed out its best to let it be..the more you try to clean the slate, it actually becomes more messy..so we should just let it out, let it be, & let it go..by letting it out i dont mean going n asking the other person for explanations or telling them how much they have hurt you..if they so cared for your well being n happiness the story would have been very different..by going upto then for answers you actually defeat the purpose..share ur pain with people who care, who really really care..it doesnt let you feel bottled up...but then let it be..n then let it go.. it was just not meant to be.. the key is to accept that it didn’t last..n not ask questions to your self..n not think what you got out of it…”experience is what you get what you get when you din get what you wanted”.
    i love the five steps you have given here..they are just bang on!!! everyone has to go through all the four to reach the fifth & the most important one..the stage i call "indifference"...the proportion of these stages is different for different people..for some first is the longest..for some the second..so on & so forth..but to reach the last one, we have to take the first 4 steps...depends on our eagerness to complete what i call the journey of vicious circles..some take 5 years to break this circle, some just 5 months..
    one of my really close friend has once told me..that your first love always seems to be your last..n your last love always seems to be your first..
    over the period of time..i couldn’t have agreed more with her..if you keep this in mind..it becomes easier to move on.. n I really thank this friend who help me understand this thing about what is called love!!! :)

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